The simple answer Would be that I haven’t had time but the truth is I haven’t wanted to. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and when I got home each night I really didn’t want to relive those moments by telling you about them. But I feel like I can now without it being to bad.
A couple months ago I went to Joshua fest 2016. A week before we went I learned a kid from my school was going so we swapped numbers and decided to hang out during it. (Let’s just make this clear I had never even talked to this kid before and our first conversation was about the NF hat he wore to school.) We get to Joshua fest and I text him, no reply. We walk around and set up our tent I text him again, and again and again. Getting frustrated assuming he wasn’t replying on purpose I kinda stopped looking for him. I was running back to my tent to get money to by a NF sweatshirt when I see him. We literally tackled each other in an embrace. I asked him we he wasn’t texting me and we figured out that he gave me the wrong number. Long story short we hung out all day every single day during Joshua fest. We spent the whole time talked talking and watching our favorite bands together.By the end of it we both knew so much about each other and we’re excited to go back to school just so we could see each other.
We got back and hung out whenever we could and had phone calls when we couldn’t. But then he texted me about this girl that was calling me a “lesbian” he was super mad and got very defensive. A week went by and he heard a girl call me a “slutty lesbian whore”. I acted like I didn’t care but it hurt even though I knew it wasn’t true obviously. One day I sat with him and his other friends at lunch and I left at in the middle cause I felt very uncomfortable. He told me later that his friends though I was a “crazy psychopath who was obsessed with him”. (They said this because I would joke around with him and bring up inside jokes that they didn’t understand) he said none of it effected they way he saw me but it obviously did and it was effecting the way he acted around me.
This last 2 weeks he stopped hanging out with me. I would call him and text him and would reply but if we were in front of his friends or at school he wouldn’t talk to me. Then this Thursday, she called me to the art show at our school to talk. I got there and he said that he couldn’t tell me face-to-face so he would text it to me. The funny thing was that while I was typing it up he was smiling and had this weird look on his face. I need up walking away back to The glee club that I was supposed to be in. My phone buzz and I picked it up I open the text messageand he had said that he doesn’t want to be friends with me because I stress him out.
No don’t get me wrong it’s not that he didn’t want to be friends with me or that he thought I stressed him out it was the fact that he texted it to me and hid under the table when I went back into the art room to talk to him about it. As I walked into the art room everyone was staring at me. I made eye contact with him and he scrambling under the table. I ended up saying a few words that I very much regret and then I threw my phone on the ground cracking it then I stormed out of the room slammed the door and then I just started bawling. My one friend that I really enjoyed hanging out with, knew super well and was having a great time with just dumped me.(I regret this whole thing so much)
The funny thing about this whole situation was that I went to the therapist on Tuesday before school. We talked about friendships and connections and making sure that I left high school with some friends so that I wouldn’t go back in the depression. It just kind of ended up being a lot topping up onto each other that made me blow up so bad. I ended up leaving school early after I started crying. I called my sister and my mom and talk to them about it. My sister sent me a whole message telling me to pray about it and her friend Josh sent me a verse and said he was praying for me.
So many people came to me in my time of need that I wouldn’t have expected to. I realized;
- I care to much about things that don’t matter.
- I put pressure on my friends to stick around no matter what.
- I have friends in my life that do care that I should be proud to have.
I also realized that I needed to leave my home church to join this church that I had grown I over the summer and had created connections in.
So why haven’t I been blogging?
What made it hard to blog about this?
It was how low I got within a month and how much I regretted. But looking back I regret nothing cause no matter how things had gone down but I still would’ve blown up. Because I care and that’s my one ☝️ thing that I love and hate about myself. Cause I care when people don’t and get hurt when expect them to notice.
Thank you for reading my rant and my happiness project has been very much so on hold so I will start that back up in the following week.
Remember be an outlaw enjoy your crazy self and live a life that you are proud of. Peace ✌️ out, love you guys.