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Anti-social? Insecure?

This is really long but Really good please take your time to read it.

Anti-social, Nope definitely not me, I looked it up and it is when you literally just don’t want to talk to anyone. For a while, I thought I was but then I realized I’m just awkward and haven’t learned how to keep a conversation going. I would go to events like prom and girls nights out and instantly regret it because I don’t have any best friends that I have created strong relationships with.  These events then become odd and not fun because I can’t lean on A friend when I’m feeling uncomfortable, I can’t look over and see someone I can relate to and have that friend connection with anyone. This is also the reason I want a boyfriend because I want someone who I can say “Hey I had a bad day can we cuddle and watch a movie?” This all lead into the anxiety and insecurity’s that I feel.

As I went to write this I was stressing so much because I had nothing to say until I started thinking and decided I would open up about some insecurities that I have.

Ever since I was little I would get told that I have Beautiful eyes I never knew what to say so I would just say thank you and feel really awkward and I would get this gut wrenching feeling to go hide away. Now that I’m older I don’t feel awkward when someone says that I have amazing eyes but the feeling is still there, The feeling of being exposed of something. It started at this moment in life when I started getting that gut wrenching feeling when I was told I would need to go talk to someone or make a phone call. This feeling is the same thing I felt when someone drew attention to my eyes because I always felt like they would literally all stare into my soul and gasp like they saw my whole life or something.

I understand that it’s probably really wierd. It’s something I deal with though that makes me want to hide from everyone. The same way I feel about my hair, I always am scared someone will think I’m a lesbian or a guy because it’s so short or that since I don’t wear tons of makeup that I won’t look as pretty as anyone else.When I started High School started, I started feeling uncomfortable in what I wore that it was too bright, I hated dresses, I even hated the way I walked. I had a boyfriend at one point that I felt like I had to impress by dressing super nice so on the days that I saw him I would stress over what to wear because he only got to see my once or twice a week. As you can tell I felt very insecure but over the years I started realizing that pretty much no one cared about the way I dressed or how I walked it was all things that I didn’t need to worry about cause no one even noticed.

When I started High School, I started feeling uncomfortable in what I wore that it was too bright, I hated dresses, I even hated the way I walked. I had a boyfriend at one point that I felt like I had to impress by dressing super nice, so on the days that I saw him I would stress over what to wear because he only got to see my once or twice a week. As you can tell I felt very insecure but over the years I started realizing that pretty much no one cared about the way I dressed or how I walked it was all things that I didn’t need to worry about cause no one even noticed.

I now sit in my room looking at myself, I’m still insecure of, my tummy and the way my hair is growing out, but I love the things I wear and I have learned to not stress over compliments as much as I used to. These things are what make me hate going to events along with feeling awkward when talking to people cause as I said before that gut wrenching feeling to hide still hasn’t gone away.

One more story of when I started hating large events and my first panic attack. When I was probably 10 0r 11 I went to a father-daughter dance with my dad and sister. I don’t remember any of it cause I have a horrible memory but I do remember the ending and why we left super early. I had just been forced to dance with my dad which sounds weird but it was just that I hadn’t and I was goofing off with my friend and her dad at that point and my dad was getting annoyed cause he wanted to spend time with me. After that dance he wouldn’t let me leave him and my sister, He got really mad and was like you need to spend this time with us. At that moment I felt very trapped I hated it so much I ended up started crying and ran and hid under a table. My aunt who was running the event came over and tried comforting me but I couldn’t breathe and was freaking out.

It wasn’t about the dancing or feeling stuck. I was scared cause I was usually able to calm myself down when I was upset but at this point, I was gasping or air and ran to the bathroom cause I felt like I was gonna puke.I ended up sitting in the bathroom sitting on the toilet gasping till my aunt came and got me. Remember this is a dance so at this point my hair looks horrible and I go bright red when I cry. We ended up leaving and I was still half crying and trying to figure out what was wrong.

I didn’t learn till I started High school what had happened, a friend was explaining her panic attacks and I realized everything that happened that night was exactly what she was saying . Since then I have had a few but I know now that I just need to find a quiet place and just breathe(pacing helps to for some reason). This is why I hate large events and have a appreciation for bathrooms that have the seating areas.

Just to finish this up cause it is officially longer then my normal school essay’s. I hope that you can relate to this and maybe look back on events in your life that have made you who you are today.

I love you all and I hope you have had a great week.

 

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